So what enables us to keep on living when we might be experiencing grief, anger, sadness and a real sense of loss and the unknown. The below are a summary of ideas you might find useful.
1. Hold onto hope. Holding hope is different from having hope which somehow means you have some evidence that things will change. Holding hope is like holding onto an image of a better world for you and the person inside – without knowing how this will happen. Having just a small flame of belief that things can get better than they are now is important for you and your loved one inside. You may have been through this all before and think why would things change now. Your person inside may also have lost the idea that they can do something different. You may need to hold on to hope for both of you.
So how does one hold hope? It is helpful here to remember what life was like in better times. If it was your son, recall the happy times in their childhood. If it was your partner, think back on why you loved them and how things were when you first met. This can help remind you that your person inside is still someone real and alive.
2. Take responsibility for putting in place the things that you need to so you can reach a better place. This might be setting appropriate boundaries around the way you might be treated, giving of money, type of lifestyle. It may be hard to do this. Sometimes the person who is inside may have treated us badly due to the lifestyle they were living. This may have included hurting us physically, verbally abusing us, stealing from us. This is an opportunity to take breathing space and think about what it is that you and your family really want in life. This can be difficult to do by oneself and help is available through local community agencies to assist you.
3. Take control of your health. Because of all the stress we may be facing, many of us may neglect our own health. It is important at times like this to maintain healthy choices so that we do not become run down and get sick. These choices include:
Exercise: You may not feel like you have energy for a full exercise programme, however half an hour walk every second day can help improve your emotional health as well as provide some physical activity. It is something that can be done with your children / partner and is free. The additional benefit of walking is being in the sun and fresh air which our bodies also need. You may prefer to do another activity rather than walking. It does not matter what physical activity you choose as long as it is something that gets you moving physically for 30 minutes per day.
Food: It might be easy to just get takeaways every night when you feel stressed, however this will not give you the right nutrition to stay healthy,nor be easy on your budget. Some people find it easy to prepare a menu for the week of quick easy meals. You can then buy food for that menu without having to think too much after a hard day about what to eat or whether you have the ingredients.
Sleep: You may find you have difficulty sleeping as things go around in your head about what is happening to your person, what will happen in the future, or how you are managing yourself. Sometimes it is difficult to sleep and the act of slowing down may make you feel emotional. While trying to hold it together in front of others, or to get things done, it may be that once in bed your body lets all the grief you feel go. Crying is a healthy way of releasing this emotion, however can be more helpful if this is shared with another person. Although it is normal for one to feel like crying at this time, it is important that you be aware when feelings like this may become symptoms of depression and to seek help from your doctor for this.
It is helpful to have a good routine where you can calm your body down before you go to bed. For some it might be reading a book or a short inspirational quote. You may like a hot drink (not coffee) as part of your routine. It is suggested that you turn the TV and computers off to slow the brain down at least half an hour before you go to bed.
Sometimes you may have difficulties getting back to sleep when you wake up in the night due to the thoughts that are going through your head. If you are unable to get to sleep, identify what the thoughts are that are going through your head. Acknowledge these thoughts, and tell yourself that right now you are unable to do anything about them, but with some sleep you will be able to in the morning may be helpful. Other times, getting a drink of water and going to the bathroom may help the brain to get into a different space and allow you to go back to sleep more readily.
It is important that you get plenty of sleep so that you can not only function, but be able to deal with what you are going through right now. If you find you are unable to sleep and it is impacting on your daily life, please see your doctor for advice. Your doctor may recommend you speak to a social worker, counsellor or psychologist to help you with some strategies to sleep. They may also prescribe you some tablets short term to help you sleep.
Drink: As at all times it is important to drink plenty of water to maintain our bodies. It is easy when you are overwhelmed to think that drinking alcohol will be better for you. Alcohol does numb the brain from reality, however it does not provide solutions for the situation you are in. Although you may feel like you need a break from the stress you are under, it is important that you do not put yourself in an unsafe place by drinking more than the recommended standard number of drinks. It may be better to recognise why you are wanting to drink alcohol and decide to address the issues rather than try to hide these with alcohol.
The bigger picture: Questions about why you are here or what are you doing can be hard at any time in life to answer. Going through the imprisonment of someone you know and care for can give you opportunity to go back to finding out who you are. Think about your family, faith, values, or cultural activities and rituals that are important to you and your family. You may not have taken part in some of these activities for a long time. You may have been too busy trying to manage things around the person who is inside and stopped spending time with your family, or doing things that help you feel good about yourself. Things that make you feel alive and well may include going to the beach, walking the dog, reading a book, or having a bath. Taking time to engage in activities that make us happy as a person can be important in strengthening our ability to cope. They can also remind us that we are a part of a bigger picture and have purpose.
Experiencing grief and feelings of loss are common to many bad situations. There are many resources online which can provide information and more strategies to help you deal with your grief and loss at this time.
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